Why are seniors’ sex lives so secret?

Q If I say aloud that my sex life with my partner is wonderful, everyone under 60 would probably say, “ewww!”

But for us it’s a fact of life, in our late 70s, for which we’re very grateful.

We both credit being relatively healthy and active, mentally and physically. Also, we’ve been friends, partners and lovers for over three decades.

Other similar-age couples we know also seem to be sexually active and loving but few ever mention it, as if it’s embarrassing.

But I think it’s to be shouted from the rooftops among seniors and the middle-aged who may believe that their sex lives are over when they face an issue like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction. (There are several potential remedies for both to at least be tried.)

Why isn’t there more research and open acknowledgment on this topic?

Still Loving Sex

A After health and fitness, a loving connection is a major contributor to sexual enjoyment. So is a reality check. These facts were recently described in a Jan. 16 cover article of the New York Times Magazine, titled “The Joys (And Challenges) Of Sex After 70” by Maggie Jones.

It asks, what’s the secret to good sex after 70?

And answers: It’s about openness and adapting to the ways that bodies change.

Some research from a 2007 New England Journal of Medicine study of a “representative sample of the U.S. population” found that more than half of those ages 75 to 85 had sex at least two to three times a month. Almost one quarter were doing it once a week or more.

So it’s been happening a lot for years if not being commonly talked about.

Jones’ article notes that “along with pleasure, (that 75-85 group) may be getting benefits linked to sex: a stronger immune system, improved cognitive function, cardiovascular health in women and (men’s) lower odds of prostate cancer.”

If anyone needs more reasons to explore better sex in one’s 70s, 80s and even 90s, there’s also University of Ottawa’s professor of medicine and sex researcher Peggy J. Kleinplatz, whose 2020 book, “Magnificent Sex: Lessons From Extraordinary Lovers,” with co-author Dana Ménard. Their research involved people whose sex lives improved hugely over time.

For seniors in safe, respectful relationships, I’m with the letter-writer in recommending discussion with trusted friends about ways to improve sex, a chat with a doctor regarding personal health issues, plus a sex therapist for expanding both your sex education and, as important, your sexual imagination.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the man who’s resistant to making changes and sacrifice because of his wife’s illness (Jan. 29):

“Years ago, when my husband underwent cancer surgery, we both struggled toward a new normal in our relationship. We were in our 50s, ending sex was a blow, and my husband sunk into depression.

“Then, I developed a painful chronic condition and also started snoring. My husband couldn’t sleep through it and I couldn’t sleep through his tossing and turning. I became exhausted and he had to do the household jobs I couldn’t handle.

“Well, we found a new normal. How? Firstly, as partners in this life. We’ve experienced many sorrows together — miscarriages, loss of loved ones, etc. Also, many joys together — the pregnancy and birth of our child, knowing exactly what the other’s thinking, laughter …

“To the letter-writer: Get your head out of ‘me’ and where it belongs: ‘us.’

“Right on, Ellie, they can get through this if they try!”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Sex can be enjoyed into one’s 70s and beyond, through openness, creative solutions, and educating oneself through research and goodhealth checks.