I love my wife, but she overrides all my decisions

Q: I love my wife. She’s a very good person, great mother, attractive, friendly, always helping people.

She’s very involved with our daughter, 10, and son, 12 — always responds to their needs.

But we have one main problem: Every decision I make, she overrides.

She does listen at first, but I can immediately detect her mind ticking over and finding some flaw in my plans. It’s as if, though we’ve been together for 15 years, she still has to prove she knows better.

Her field of social service work is community-based and she’s great with her clients, which, during the pandemic, have included both individuals and groups, all done smoothly online.

I know she uses good listening techniques and seeks compromises.

But with me, she’s almost abrupt. “That won’t work ...” or “You’re making wrong assumptions ...” are among her responses to me.

Whether it’s about something positive — for example, a special family outing, or something practical, like the need to replace our fridge, and even whether or not our dog needs grooming — she’ll stick to a different opinion.

It’s annoying, frustrating and has made me feel disrespected, though like me, I know she still feels love between us.

So, I’m stumped by what’s causing her resistance to my every decision. Any clues from this letter?

Disrespected Partner

A: It’s hard to accept being both “loved” and “disrespected,” so, yes, something’s amiss.

Your wife is clearly smart, accomplished, with excellent communication skills with clients and likely with your children, too.

But, as a partner, she leans toward controlling, perhaps without even realizing it. However, even if she strongly believes she’s “compromising” by giving other views, she’s missing the point.

You’re raising personal, family-based, and household decisions, not “community” issues. What’s needed from her is mutual discussion for, against and her reasons for other possibilities. But this undertone of control and rejection may have caused you over time to deliver your suggestions as confirmed plans. If so, it goes against everything in her training and work life.

For two loving partners, your way of relating to each other over decisions requires a reset. But you both have to commit to it. Even short-term counselling would be helpful.

Or try it yourselves by jointly adopting a new rule: Every decision that involves your relationship or the children gets a period of each giving solid reasons, finding common ground and then closing further debate.

FEEDBACK Regarding people who are chronically late (Aug. 11):

Reader: Perpetual lateness is passiveaggressive, anti-social behaviour. These people will always be this way and usually twist things around to make others look bad.

It’s controlling, smug, deliberate and pathological, not just being disorganized. They take advantage of others and are manipulative. Even if they’re family, I’d end it, as there’s no relationship when they show no respect. Or, just adhere to your schedule since they stick to theirs.

Do what you were intending and don’t wait. Don’t make concessions for them as they’ve shown such disrespect.

Ellie: I agree repeated tardiness can be very annoying.

But your perspective on this seems especially harsh, since there’s no evidence of an actual diagnosis of the deliberate, nasty, pathological intentions you ascribe to all people who are repeatedly “late” — even family.

I repeat what I said to the original letter writer, that the “anti-social signals should be considered,” along with the possibility of alcoholism or addictions as a factor.

Hang in until the situation reveals something that you can either understand, or simply cannot accept again.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Long-lived relationships thrive on trust, respect, commitment, and seeking compromises over being right.