How to cope with online dating burnout
Looking for a relationship can feel like running a marathon with no clear end in sight
Do you suffer from Tinder Thumb (like tennis elbow, but caused by furious right-swiping instead of ground strokes)? Does the thought of asking yet another person, “So . . . what do you do?” send shivers up your spine? Do you feel like you’ve already gone on a mediocre date with every eligible bachelor/bachelorette in the city — twice? You might be suffering from dating fatigue. “Dating fatigue happens when a single person goes on a rapid series of dates or constantly looks for dates online and doesn’t meet anyone they are interested in,” says dating expert Julie Spira, author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. “As a result, a person with dating fatigue gets disillusioned. (They might come to) believe there are no great single men or women out there.”
Communications professional Alexa Giorgi, 37, is athletic, intelligent, sociable and gorgeous. She has been single for all of her 30s. But her lacklustre love life wasn’t for a lack of trying.
“I’ve been online dating since Lavalife was cool and (have tried) Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid and Coffee Meets Bagel,” Giorgi says.
“I’ve tried matchmaking, speed dating, singles events, Meetup, blind dates — everything!”
But Giorgi was seeing the same people on all of the apps and sites, was regularly ghosted during online conversations and went on dates that felt more like job interviews.
When you’re seeking a serious relationship and all of your options are coming up short, dating can feel like running a marathon with no end in sight. The whole experience can be frustrating and exhausting — it’s a strenuous part-time job where you actually lose money (not to mention self-confidence, time, hope for the future, faith in humanity, etc.). Serial dating can legitimately affect your mental and even your physical health. Sometimes, it’s best to disconnect. Giorgi took breaks whenever she felt her frustrations with dating were affecting her ability to connect with others. She eventually struck a balance that worked for her.
“I was much happier when I wasn’t spending tons of time on my phone managing my dating accounts, swiping or messaging back and forth with several people. I would try to only check my accounts once a day (twice at most), focusing on genuine matches.” In other words, quality over quantity.
“It’s healthy to take a break from dating if you feel burnout and aren’t meeting people you connect with,” Spira advises. “I always suggest three weeks. It’s enough time to come back fresh and not feel negative about the dating process. Realize that people become single every day of the year and you need to be ready for when your paths cross with someone you could potentially get excited about.”
Although Spira suggests three weeks, I’d suggest at least a month or two. Most dating apps and sites allow you to “disable” your account so you can give yourself the space you need and focus on other things, such as work, friendships, family, volunteering, exercise and creative endeavours.
This January, Giorgi almost cancelled a first date with a man she’d met online who didn’t seem any more promising than the rest. It was cold out, she was tired and Dateline was looking pretty good. But she forced herself to leave the house and she’s happy she did. After eight years of dating disasters and disappointments, Giorgi is finally in a relationship with a lovely man.
Take breaks, but don’t give up. Dating is disheartening until it’s not. Finding the right person could take a year or two or 10, so be sure to take a few breathers along the way. Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. Reach her at facebook.com/sofipapamarko.