Ending a relationship is never easy

Here’s Part 2 from my March 26 live chat on Breaking Up: When and How. I let my father break up my marriage and I’m feeling so guilty about it. My husband had been working overseas for six months when I realized he was getting involved with someone there. I confided to my parents, cried my heart out, and asked to borrow the air fare to go and confront my husband and his lover. It meant my parents would have to babysit our 4-year-old while I was gone. My father said it would be too hard on me, and he was ashamed for me to lower myself like that and beg him. So he called my husband and accused him of cheating. I’ll never know the truth, but my husband said that if I didn’t care enough to talk to him myself he was fine with ending it. He’s still overseas two years later, but has to come home to sign the divorce papers and see our daughter. I’ll never forgive myself for letting it end that way. The Guilty One Forgive yourself. He may have been upset but not enough to come home and fight for you.

Still, it’s not too late to apologize to him (and yourself ) for letting your father speak for you. It will show your own personal growth since the split — which is important, so that he’ll respect your decisions and requests regarding your daughter. Also, so that you have more confidence and a ready voice in your next relationship. I broke up with a woman I loved because it was obvious she mostly loved my “lifestyle,” which she kept talking about. I earn well, live well. She had never known the ease I provided. But I didn’t feel I got enough back in return.

She never wanted to just stay home with me; we always had to be out. When I had a big deal going on in business, she’d find some need to get to New York and shop rather than stay to support me.

We’re both late 40s, but I felt she hasn’t the character for a long life together.

I gave her enough money for a year’s rent on her own. I did it a month before our union could be considered “common-law.” Decisive Action

She knew what she was after, and you knew your limits. Neither of you was completely open, despite any real love which you felt.

From your perspective, you cut ties in a fairly responsible way.

From her perspective, you dumped her with regard to your finances. However, she wasn’t supportive. So the breakup was something you both should have expected. My husband (eight years together) is a good man and father. He lacks passion, and I’m feeling a greater need for it in my life. Do you leave a husband and your kid’s dad because you’re bored and restless? If not, how do you get past those feelings? What if I never meet a man who’s sexually hot for me but also decent and kind to my children? So Torn!

“Restlessness and boredom” can be stultifying over many years. But, yes, you can also end up alone.

So start with you. Consider any things you can do for yourself to spark more personal fulfilment.

Have you pursued further education, changed fields, got a new job or volunteered somewhere meaningful?

Have you seen a sex therapist together, been more adventurous in arousing him?

Divorce is not easy for anyone. You need to know you truly tried. Tip of the day Just being there isn’t a relationship. Both people need to adapt and make changes. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.