Summer’s last gasp

How do you prefer to defy death? It’s a question the Canadian National Exhibition, which opens its doors Friday, has been posing to Toronto families for the past 134 years.

Some prefer high speeds and great heights. Those intrepid riders bored by the Ex’s classic roller-coaster, the Blitzer, will have two new options this year. The Mach 3, for one, is as scary as it sounds. “A 37-metre arm connected midway whirls riders 360 degrees upside down and inside out,” boasts the CNE’s website. And, if for some reason that description doesn’t fill you with dread, you might also like the Zip Line, a 126-foot tower overlooking the CNE grounds. “Prepare for the time of your life,” the Ex advises, “as you careen down more than 1,100 feet.” (The alarmed emphasis is ours.)

Others, meanwhile, come for gastronomical danger. Apparently unsatisfied by the artery-assaulting capacity of last year’s culinary innovation, the self-explanatory and medically troubling Krispy Kreme burger, the CNE has developed an even more fearful weapon of mass-distension: the Notorious P.I.G.

A double ground-bacon burger topped with peameal and smothered in cheddar, the P.I.G. can be consumed as part of a horrifying combo that includes bacon-cheese fries, a peanut butter and bacon milkshake and a bacon-wrapped deep-fried Mars bar. At an estimated 7,500 calories, it’s the equivalent of roughly seven Big Mac meals. We’ll take our chances on the zip line.

Even the seemingly innocuous attractions conceal hidden threats. The Ex’s stoic farm animals will mug your olfactory senses from a distance, the air show your ears. Yet, despite the risks, the appeal of this crusty annual event persists.

This year, the CNE expects roughly 1.4 million visitors. That’s 1.4 million people willing to brave the long lineups under the beating sun, to drain their wallets at the midway in the fraught pursuit of flimsy toys. Why? Maybe because in the last days of summer, as school, work and cold weather loom, the Ex provides one last opportunity to frivolously indulge before the wintry months and thumb our noses at the drudgery they bring.

If we can survive a Notorious P.I.G., not even the harshest winter can defeat us.