POP GOES THE WEEK
Justin Bieber says he’s been “in talks” regarding the 50
Shades of Grey movie We can only hope that the talks were regarding him being too young to get into the theatre.
Kim Kardashian says she wants to trade lives with Jesus
for a day “How about sometime near Passover when you’re around 33?” everyone asks.
J.K. Rowling says she might publish a “director’s cut” of some of the Harry Potter novels The book she wants to
rewrite first is Harry Potter and the Gobbler of Money.
Ke$ha says she’s had sex with an unknown ghost a
couple of times Possible candidates include The Gho$t of Chri$tma$ Pa$t, Ca$per, a random $cooby Doo gho$t and the mean gho$t that will haunt forever you if you keep making up $tuff to appear more intere$ting than you really are.
NBC’s upcoming show, Napa, will be a modern take on
Wuthering Heights Less of the mysterious, lingering wasting illnesses, more smokin’ hot, shirt-less grape-stompers.
Flavor Flav mistakes Miley Cyrus for Gwen Stefani In his defence, Flavor Flav wears a big clock around his neck and used to vigorously make out with Brigitte Nielsen on television.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Liv Tyler may be a thing Which means that Smaug the Dragon is dating Arwen and that every Tolkien fan’s head just exploded.
But wait! Seth McFarlane and Emilia Clarke may be a thing, too Which means that Stewie Griffin is dating Daenerys “Stormborn” Targaryen aka the Mother of Dragons aka the Khaleesi and that every George R.R. Martin fan just curled up in a corner in the fetal position.
Honey Boo Boo’s father Sugar Bear is out of the hospital Right now Snoggles Frim Fram, Hurkle-harkle Mitten and Sweetie Snot Otter are busy preparing a celebration the likes of which have never before been seen by the woodland creatures in the Gurgle Valley of Slorp. [ You’ve never seen the show, have you? Or you would know it’s about a gang of armed, intergalactic candy traders. Idiot. – ed.]
An author who’s working on a book about Kate Gosselin claims Kate used to keep notes on how she’d beat her kids with a wooden spoon That’s just ridiculous. There’s no possible profit to be found in beating your kids with a wooden spoon.
Octomom calls Paris Hilton a moron and Lindsay Lohan’s mother offers advice to Amanda Bynes’ parents Where’s a nice wooden spoon when you really need one?
Simon Cowell tweets that, “Today I had someone heal my house. Strange but great. The healer brings in good energy. Someone told me about it. It takes a couple of days” Somebody told me that Target is selling American Horror Story Rubberman suits for Halloween. That’s strange but great, too. It brings in creepy energy. Doesn’t mean I ordered one. So, don’t ask me how I know it takes a couple of days for it to arrive.