Tasty reads from the newsstand
Star (Nov. 28) Cover: Over 5,000 Star readers responded to an is-K-Fedapoll and 64 per cent of them agree Brit should throw the bad rapper/ sponge man out on the street. Meanwhile, Britney is afraid newly single Paris will steal Kevin, but she’s also not wearing her wedding ring. Can you stand the nerve-wracking tension? R is for: The remote-controlled vibrating underwear purchased by Angelina. N is for: Fat Vince’s nose hair. Trimmer. Look into it. In related news, more photos of Vinnefer cuddling/ canoodling/ chewing on each other’s ears and telling secrets to a squealing Courteney Cox. Is there a bio-child on the way? H is for: Hate. Or harridans. Take your pick. Sharon Osbourne hates Madonna who hates Gwen Stefani. F is for: The actual food MaryKate has been eating. M is for: The mansions pregnant Bennifer are checking out.
Us (Nov. 28) Cover: The calorie-filled holidays are here. Very thin stars talk about how they eat what they want and are blessed with good metabolism. Then I had to go purge and didn’t have time to read the rest. M is for: Madonna, who isn’t too busy hating Gwen to also hate Paris. Apparently the heiress has shown fleeting interest in Madonna’s cult and Madonna doesn’t approve of casual Kaballism. W is for: The Tomkat wedding, sure to happen “soon.” Lil’ Katie looks like she just bit into a lemon. Sad how the shine can be gone so soon from such a fantabulous match of heterosexual man and sweet, young incubatrix. S is for: Sienna, who’s taken back Jude. Sweetheart, you need to learn the rules for a happy life. They are: 1) Don’t ever date a man prettier than yourself, 2) Stop being stupid. L is for: Leo dating Kirsten who’s not dating Jake or Tobey.
Celeb Living (Nov. 28) Cover: This week’s instalment of Jessica Simpson Takes a Good, Long Look at her Life and Decides to Become Angelina, sees our plucky, spirited heroine deciding to start shopping for an overseas baby. B is for: Brad who is apparently still calling Jen, causing Angie (and her vibrating underwear, no doubt) to get all jealous. In related news, Jen finally threw out her wedding dress and Brad’s new-age CDs and burned a stack of love letters. E is for: other exes calling each other as Ben and J.Lo are having conversations in which Ben gushes about impending fatherhood to barren Jen. F is for: The fat Britney wants to get rid of so as not to lose the price that is her husband. N is for: Nicole Richie, who has taken time out from her busy schedule of starving, posing and looking like a slut to write a “reality fiction” novel.