Exploring alternate uses for goose calls

The key to goose calls maintaining their rightful place in society is to avoid a vindicative matriarchy

Idon’t think anyone would disagree with me when I say the goose call is one of humanity’s greatest and most noble inventions. Yet, these days few of us use the goose call for its original, intended purpose – which, as everyone should know, is to wake up teenagers who are late for school.

This is mainly because modern day goose call owners are now fixated on calling in geese rather than the education of their children – which is fine, albeit a little selfish. I mean, without an education, how are they ever going to choose the right goose call or know how to set up decoys properly?

Unless my theory is totally made up, the goose call was originally introduced as the “Creating mayhem and annoyance in the household call (patent pending)” in the year 47 AD (give or take a year.) And, as anyone who has used a call for this purpose knows, they still are exceedingly effective in this regard.

Somewhere along the way however, a vindictive matriarchal society banned goose calls from being blown inside a house under penalty of death. Because of this, users were forced to go outside and honk loudly by the windows instead.

Soon after this became the norm, people began to notice that, while doing this, belligerent geese would circle and land as callers made futile attempts to wake up people inside the house. These people did not wake easily, however, because they were holding pillows over their heads – probably because all those geese were so noisy.

And thus, it seemed the heyday of calling was relegated to ancient history.

It didn’t take waterfowlers long (a mere two centuries) before they realized that the call they were using could prove useful for other things too. Unfortunately, it is difficult, if not impossible to play Greensleeves on a goose call so they didn’t catch on. Luckily, three years later, someone decided to use them as a tool for attracting geese.

This worked surprisingly well, especially when the caller went to a spot where geese already wanted to go and used decoys and concealment. On the down side, society lost a very effective alarm clock and kids missed school, which, some will tell you, led to the Dark Ages.

Fortunately for us goose callers the landmark case

of Honks versus Growls secured the right to use a goose call in the house at almost every time but 6 a.m. on a weekend morning. To this day, this is still punishable by death in some less progressive jurisdictions.

That’s why goose callers like myself are now realizing the additional benefits of using the goose call for its intended purpose: to put roosters to shame.

I can attest to the effectiveness of this and so can my partner on several early mornings last week. I would have done more testing to ascertain effectiveness, but I seemed to misplace all of my calls and the one I did find buried in the shed had mysteriously been stuffed full of mud. Who can say how or why this happened?

Nevertheless, it is good to know that when you buy a goose call it will serve dual purposes, which validates the extra money you will invariably spend. I actually think a call is easier to justify when you know that you can use it year round in the house.

Provided, of course, we don’t elect another vindictive matriarchy.