Abusive husband wants to reconcile

Dear Amy: I have been married and trying to stay married for a very long time.

My husband and I go to church most Sundays.

Over the years my husband has hit me several times.

Once when I was holding an infant, he put a choke-hold on me.

The reason he did that was because the smoke alarm was going off and he yelled at me and I yelled back.

I am 64 years old now. He hit me again recently. This was over something minor; there was yelling and then he hit me.

After that happened, I thought, “This is it. I’m done. Why can’t we have a fight and get over it like other people?”

I have been gone for two months and have not seen or talked to him in all that time.

Now he wants me to see a marriage counsellor with him.

I don’t miss him and I certainly don’t have hope for us to reconcile.

If there is a fix for us, it will take a lot of counselling. In your experience, will the counselling do any good — or am I just wasting my money?

— WONDERING

Dear Wondering: Counselling could do a world of good. For you. Stay away from your violent husband. See a therapist and a lawyer for professional counsel and advice. Please don’t let your husband draw you back into this relationship.

I do think it is possible for him to alter his tendency toward violence, with intensive and concentrated professional help, but I would file this under the “Life is Too Short” category for you.

You say you don’t want to be with him, and that you have no hope of reconciliation. The best you can do now is to peacefully separate and start a new chapter of your life, free from violence and the threat of it. To help you make this transition, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Thehotline.org, 1-800-799-7233.

Dear Amy: I am a high school student and I have a problem with two friends of mine, “Kerry” and “Emily.” Emily moved away a while ago and we all communicated in a group chat, but Emily and Kerry’s relationship became strained. They recently had a falling out in which Kerry accused Emily of only talking about herself and never asking about our (Kerry’s and my) lives.

I was caught in the middle of this fight, but I remained friends with both, though separately.

Last weekend I travelled out of town to see Emily, as I had been planning to do for weeks. I put off telling Kerry, as the trip was on the same week as her birthday.

I told her briefly on the day I left because I didn’t want to lie to her, and I texted her twice later that day, explaining my concern for her feelings, but she did not respond. When I returned, she ignored me all day at school, avoiding eye contact and conversation.

The more I think about it, the more ridiculous it seems that Kerry should expect me to stop seeing Emily.

It hurts to not talk to your best friend, so how do I deal with these developments? I’ve considered texting her again. Is this a good idea? Should I just get her a really nice birthday gift and hope for the best?

— SHUNNED

Dear Shunned: Your instincts regarding this friendship dynamic are correct and you should continue to follow your own good sense.

One friend cannot basically demand that you ignore another friend. You have the right to pursue whatever relationships you want, and you should choose to maintain friendships with people who respect you, even if they disagree with you.

You could reach out to “Kerry” one more time, telling her that you miss her and wishing her a happy birthday. After that, the ball is in her court.