Boyfriend won’t stop checking out other women
Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year, but I feel he’s losing interest in me and the relationship. He’s starting to make unnecessary rude comments and belittling me.
He’s also constantly commenting on other girls in front of me and mentions wanting to be with other girls.
I know it’s natural for people to find others attractive, but he does it while knowing it bothers me.
It makes me insecure and when I try to tell him to stop, he laughs and says he’s joking and that I get offended too easily or that I’m too sensitive.
I admit that I’m not the most confident person and I may be taking some of his comments to heart, but it makes me feel like I’m not good enough or that he no longer wants to be in the relationship.
He also comments about my appearance or the way I dress, like he compares me to other girls.
When I ask if he wants to be in this relationship or if he loves me, he says he does. But I fear that he’s not being honest.
Am I being too sensitive or am I holding on to a failing relationship? Not Taken Seriously
A: What a shame that his insensitive remarks, rudeness and belittling, plus his laughing off your hurt feelings, leaves you feeling “not good enough.”
The reality is that most people, especially when young, have some sensitivity about being criticized or negatively compared to others.
You react to his comments by getting hurt and putting yourself down. He reacts to you by being a jerk.
Here’s the letter that I wish for your sake, that you’ll soon gain the confidence to write to me: “Ellie, my boyfriend talks about wanting to be with other girls. He also com
pares my looks and how I dress, to other girls.
“I’ve told him that I don’t want to be with someone who’s so disrespectful to me, and I’m moving on.”
Even if you can’t see yourself doing this right away, keep in mind that only you can decide what put-downs you accept from others, and what you want for yourself in terms of respect and equality.
This boyfriend isn’t likely to help you gain the self-confidence you need for a relationship to last.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the male partner who wants his girlfriend to have a foursome with other women (April 8):
“I was in a similar situation years ago. My ex-husband wanted me to go have sex with other men, then come back and tell him about it.
“But, like the writer, I was being pressured into sexual situations I didn’t want.
“It started with, ‘Wouldn’t it be fun/interesting ...’ went to, ‘I want you to ...,’ then, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
“I was diminished and shamed by him for several years. He said he ‘loved’ me, yet he kept trying to make me into someone I am not.
“I finally left him, years later than I should have. I’ve always been grateful that I did not have children with him, as that would have tied me to him for the rest of my life.
“My advice to that woman? Get out with your self-respect as soon as you can.
“This will likely only get worse. When you leave, he might come to his senses and ask for another chance. But don’t count on it.
“There are others out there who will respect you for who you are, not whom they want you to be.” Ellie’s tip of the day The more you accept belittling treatment, the more you’ll lose your self-confidence. EXPERT ADVICE. IN YOUR INBOX: Sign up for the Star’s advice newsletter, get the latest on relationships, etiquette and more. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.