Compromise over little things

Question- My wife and I recently had a big blowup over this petty item - I don’t put my clothes on hooks. She has a system: If she’s worn something already but it’s not too dirty, she hangs it on a hook to wear later.

I, however, will hang a once- worn shirt in a closet or put it in the drawer with other clean items. She wants me to use her hook system, but I’m happy with putting my clothes away if they’re still clean enough to wear.

I feel like she’s nit- picky and trying to rule my life one little detail at a time. She thinks I’m dirty for putting not- quite- clean clothes away. This is just one in a series of requests that sometimes drive me crazy! Who’s being unreasonable? No- Hook Guy

Answer- You’re both unreasonable, digging into opposing positions on very small stuff. It’s a Power Struggle, with very high stakes. A marriage can break up over what seems like nonsense, but the reality is that two people stubbornly refuse to compromise and get along.

IF you were to consider going for the “hook” system, and she then nit- picked you on some other matter, you could point out that now her unreasonableness is eating away at your union.

But if you won’t even give the hook a try, then you’re the obstacle to a solution, this time.

Read this answer together and I hope you’ll both see how silly, and yet serious, all this sounds.

Question- Our father’s wife passed away last December. Although their relationship wasn’t that good, she was there for him. Our father’s 85 and legally blind so there are people paid to come in and bathe him, cook meals, clean, etc. Several weeks ago, Dad told my brother he had feelings for a woman who cooks meals occasionally. My brother recently walked in on them and she was sitting on his knee. She’s now spending some of her off time there and my brother once discovered they were in the bedroom with the door closed. She’s 48, younger than any of his own kids. Since she’s paid by a company to cook some meals for him she must’ve been told not to get involved with her clients.

My brother and sister think he’s being taken advantage of. If we report this woman to her company, she’ll probably be let go and we’ll be outcasts to that company’s employees.

Or should we just mind our own business and let this relationship run its course? Uncertain

Answer- Without accusations, probe whether he IS being taken advantage of, whether there’s any talk of his changing his will, etc. It’s a delicate matter but needs to be handled for everyone’s sake. It’s possible she’s sincere and well meaning, so you don’t want to harm her reputation, or upset your father.

Whoever can talk to Dad most sensitively, needs to do so, asking gentle questions. The woman also should be talked to, and asked her intentions. ( Being alone in the bedroom together is enough indication of something going on and children have a right to wonder).

You may then feel it necessary to call the agency to ask about their rules and limitations, and what’s permitted on employees’ days off. Whatever the answer, you’re entitled to ask for a change of worker to be sent, without needing to accuse the woman.

Hopefully, readers will weigh in on this, since there are likely others who’ve had some experience of this kind involving elderly parents who need non- family help.

Question- For 22 years I’ve been friends with a woman from our graduate school days. We have a lot in common. However, I’m much more social and like to share stories, to learn from past mistakes, and improve things in future.

When I do so, my friend tells me to either shut up or talk about something positive. Several times, I’ve said her behaviour’s rude and insulting, especially as she repeats her stories which I listened to already five times in one meeting.

Should I remind her one more time that her behaviour hurts me or should I just cut off the relationship? Mute Friend

Answer- What you do NOT have in common is mutual respect. Yes, she sounds rude in her responses to you, but you sound bored with her anyways. I think the friendship has run its course, but you don’t have to part in anger. Just lessen your contact. TIP OF THE DAY In marital power struggles, little things can blow up into divorce.