Roomies or romance?

QUESTION: I recently hooked up with my best friend and roommate. We had been flirting for a long time, but we also have an extremely close friendship.

She’s the most important person in my life and we do everything together.

I’m really attracted to her, but I don’t feel ready at all for this sort of commitment. Since we’re living together, it’s almost like marriage!

I’m only 20 and I have very little/no experience in relationships. My conundrum is this: I want her to stay in my life forever. However, I feel like this is a passing attraction and I do want to date other people.

Yet I absolutely do not want to hurt her by eventually breaking up and ending our friendship.

So what do I do? We’re still flirting a lot and almost made out again last night — I’m trying to stay friendly but cut out the flirting.

— Super Confused

ANSWER: It’s a tough thing to convey — how much you care about someone but don’t want a relationship with — so tread carefully as you carry this message to her.

And deal with it fast, before your hookups become a habit that ends with anger and blame. You can no longer claim “innocence”once you keep taking part in sex.

Start the conversation with how much you value her friendship and don’t want to risk it.

Be clear that you care about her too much to play fast and loose with her feelings.

Be honest that you think that, as roommates, making out can end up harming your friendship longterm.

A common result from starting casual intimacy while sharing space, is for one of you to feel forced to move out, and for the close connection between you to come apart.

Maybe over time and with more life experience, while also staying friends, you’ll both want to try a serious relationship together. That could be great.

But not now, and not just because you’re roommates.

TIP OF THE DAY Casual sex between roommates, is often a step towards needing to move. Email: ellie@thestar.ca.