Open to the Spirit
Today’s word: “Compromise”
1) The word compromise rings true as one of the lost skills which is so needed in our world right now. Everything that we see in the news and in our current moment seems to be so much about competition and a fight for power. We have politicians who will stop at nothing to have their way. They insult others, promote lies, and are willing to destroy the government’s ability to function in the process. We have endless arguments online and offline about important and not so important ideas, where the option of compromise and learning wisdom from both sides is pushed aside for the fight for pride, ego and for what one person deems the truth. We could blame these problems on so many causes, and I am sure that there is no magical solution to all of these challenges. But recognizing the importance of compromise is a start.
In Judaism there is a beautiful model of the importance of compromise found in the way arguments are recorded in the Talmud. This book, the record of generations of conversations and arguments between the ancient rabbis about Jewish ritual, traditions, law and philosophy, is a truly complicated text. Wading through some of the arguments and conversations is often like trying to figure out a difficult math problem, and it is clear that there is not always an easy answer even to easy questions. But hidden among all of these complications, the rabbis made sure to do one thing well--they always tried their best to make sure that not only are all sides to an argument heard, but they are also recorded so that even when we hold onto a final “answer” we know that there are always other viewpoints that brought us there. The Talmud tells us that while judgment, right or wrong, is sometimes necessary, the path to peace often requires compromise and flexibility. They quote a simple parable to make this more clear: Where there are two boats traveling on a river and they encounter each other, if both of them attempt to pass at the same time, both of them sink, as the river is not wide enough for both to pass. If they pass one after the other, both of them pass. We have to remember that no matter how much we want to have our way, sometimes we just need to let some things “pass” as we search for peace. I’m not sure the best way to bring more compromise into our world, but it is clear that we need it now more than ever. If we can start by remembering the ways that we are all searching for some sort of truth and all trying to make sense of our complicated world, then we can also remember that there is always some wisdom and even some truth in the words of those people who think most differently than us. Let’s be flexible, and when it is necessary, do our best to compromise.
2) A compromise is what happens when two or more parties each want something different and they agree to make a concession. For some reason, this reminds me of a classic Rolling Stones song, where the lyrics say, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you’ll get what you need.” I wish sometimes our politicians of today were rock and roll fans. Some religious leaders aren’t much better. I saw a quote recently from a conservative church source: “The devil is compromise. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval.”
I totally disagree.
Paul, in the first epistle to the Corinthians says that we have been given the ministry of reconciliation, and tells us that we are ambassadors for the divine. How truly important this work is for us. In Matthew’s gospel Jesus says, “When you come to worship, if you have a quarrel with your brother leave your gift at the altar and go to repair the quarrel with your brother.” I don’t believe we can follow these paths unless we are willing, sometimes, to compromise.
One of my personal traits is that I hate conflict. As a child I was the peacemaker. I often would step between two friends if it looked like a fight was coming. In university, while studying philosophy, I learned a pattern of behaviour: Thesis, antithesis, synthesis. One person would come up with an idea. The next would share a different perspective, and then together they would agree on a compromise, where both people feel included. This is an ongoing process and when repeated has helped create the society we know.
A few years ago, one of our church leaders, Rev. Marion Pardy from Newfoundland, shared a short document she called “Holy Manners”. These guidelines soon spread around our denomination, and I found them quite helpful. Here are some excerpts:
“We will keep God at the centre of everything we do,. Speak for ourselves. Speak for a purpose. Separate people from problems. Allow for full and equitable participation. Listen carefully without interruption. Welcome the conflict of ideas. Demonstrate appreciation. Allow the quiet people to speak, with an invitation to speak. Sincerely say what we really feel.”
I especially like the part “welcome the conflict of ideas”. We can’t always get what we want, but we get what we need. When we listen, share our thoughts honestly, and find a compromising solution, that’s when God smiles.
3) From the rich store of wisdom found only on refrigerator magnets, comes this tongue-in-cheek gem called the Mariner’s Rule: “The Captain is always right…and I’m the Captain.” Yes, of course ¬that’s captain with a capital C! And I’ll admit it’s posted on my fridge door, but only as a light-hearted absurd reminder of what is NOT and never will be the rule in our household. Who’d want a world in which every decision was yours alone to make, as well as owning all consequences that inevitably proceed?
And yet, compromise in either the verb or noun form, is not so easy. If it were, families would peaceably resolve their differences, domestic violence would be a thing of the past, counselors and relationship coaches would be out of business. Critical legislative processes would not be delayed, and life and death decisions involving the well-being of whole populations and entire nations would not be stalled for months going on years.
Real compromise as a goal is hard to reach as it requires that we acknowledge conflict and not give in just to keep the peace of the moment. In which case we might compromise on the wrong things, or making promises we are not prepared to keep. Compromises that are forced are unlikely to survive, either verbally or legally, or stamped with a notary seal.
One couple who came to me for wedding planning, admitted to being somewhat confused; they’d both heard how important compromise was and how dependent it was on honest communication. But they both seemed to feel that compromise was about giving in, the refrigerator magnet version. We experimented ways of compromising that didn’t require either party losing oneself in the process but giving to each other to create a third entity, their marriage. How often we fear, in making concessions, we are giving up part of ourselves.
Yes, each party must give up something of their own agenda or expectations in order to achieve a peaceable outcome that honours the dignity of all involved. But at its best it’s a meeting half-way, where we’ve worked together to find middle ground toward a common goal. In a world where equality and equanimity are sadly not yet the norms, in a culture that prizes competition over cooperation as a means to success, given that we all come from different backgrounds and family histories of dealing or not with conflict, it’s hardly a surprise compromise is difficult.
Compromise if taught from little on could become part of the general culture. My daughter who runs a preschool says compromise is a daily, moment to moment process, the hidden curriculum behind anything else that’s she has programmed. Sure enough, as we spoke a conflict arose among some who wanted to focus on phonics learning videos, those who preferred shapes and colours, and still others who wanted numbers. All legitimate, so the conflict was easily resolved with a vote. Those in the minority would get their choice tomorrow and the day after that.
It’s not always such a simple process. But it may help to remember that true compromise never requires us to concede our primary ethics or values, the truth of who we are – that is beyond negotiation. And embedded in compromise is always that other word, promise – the promise that if we do it with good intentions, we will restore, renew or forge stronger connections.
One word, compromise, and three voices. Let’s be willing to talk about it.
Rev. Mead Baldwin pastors the Waterville and North Hatley Pastoral Charge; Rabbi Boris Dolin leads the Congregation Dorshei Emet in Montreal; Rev. Carole Martignacco, Unitarian Universalist is retired from ministry with Uuestrie and now resides in St-andrew’s-by-the-sea , but keeps one foot in the Townships by contributing to this column.