Recommendations on opening up

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2020

Dear Annie: I understand what “Unable To Open Up” is saying. I was never able to communicate with my parents. It carried over into my marriage and caused problems.

My suggestion is for him to write down his thoughts and feelings before he meets with the counselor. I have found that I can put thoughts into words on paper better than I can communicate verbally with someone.

Then he can hand her what he has written and they can go from there. Hope this helps. -- Been There, Done That

Dear Been There: A great many readers suggested that writing down his feelings would be helpful for “Unable to Open Up.” Here are two more letters with similar suggestions.

Dear Annie: This is regarding “Unable to Open Up,” the man has a difficult time opening up to his therapist about his feelings. It’s very hard for me to open up, too. I can always write about my thoughts and feelings a lot better than talking about them.

A suggestion would be that he write down his thoughts and feelings. He could do this in private, when he’s alone and not feeling put on the spot. Then either he or his therapist could read these notes during the following session. - Not Good on the Spot

Dear Annie: I’m responding to “Unable to Open Up,” who asked how to maximize the value of the help of a therapist if he couldn’t open up.

My suggestion is this: Try keeping a journal. Get a loose-leaf notebook that is specially dedicated to holding your thoughts and feelings related to your “buried anger” or any thoughts and feelings you have difficulty sharing. When you get a glimmer of one of those thoughts and feelings, write down as much as you can about it. Ask it questions. Get really calm and quiet and listen for answers.

Perhaps go for a walk and listen for answers on the walk. Then write down what you hear. Read what you have written. You may want to add an additional thought or reflection. Give your written piece a title and a date at the top of the page. Put it in your notebook.

Keep doing this over a period of time, say, a month. Then look over what you have written. See if there are any items you would like to shine more light on. Jot those on a list. Then keep your eyes open for answers to the questions you raise. When you get an answer, jot that down on a separate page. It might be a change in behavior or attitude. Write it down clearly and start practicing it.

Your psyche is like an onion. As you write about one layer and put that in the notebook, it will release energy for the next layer. Soon, you’ll have a collection of wisdom and guidance that will free you up to share, perhaps with your spouse, a friend or a therapist.

I have seen this work hundreds of times. Write down what scares you, and describe it as clearly as you can. Gradually, that gets it out of your psyche so you can begin to make friends with it, learn what it needs and give it that. I hope you try this and communicate the results to Annie. -- Working on an Intensive Journal

Dear Working: You make many great suggestions for uncovering our feelings, slowly and powerfully. Thank you.

Dear Annie: I am concerned about several of my six siblings. We were brought up very strictly, and we experienced shame if we missed church or sinned. We’re all adults with kids of our own now. Over the years, several siblings and their spouses have become obsessively religious. It’s their drug. No amount is enough.

They practice Catholicism compulsively, and religious conversation is infused into daily conversation. For them, it’s about practicing religious rules and expectations, more than the spiritual meanings behind the behaviors. They often cannot answer why they do their rituals but know they must. They ask strangers if they went to church that day and what affiliation they are. They embrace only people of their faith. They avoid anyone else. They seem to need the “spiritual high” from attending church: When they travel, finding a church is a source of anxiety.

Many of their children (my nieces and nephews) do not participate. Because my siblings feel that they have failed as parents, and they are in a constant state of fear their children will go to Hell.

They have become dysfunctional. They’ve lost their personalities to this disorder. What causes this? Are they filling a void with religion? Is it low self-esteem and fear? What can others do when too much of a good thing turns obsessive-compulsive by all clinical and professional definitions, but they see it as “growing in one’s faith”? -- Outside the Bubble

Dear Outside the Bubble: Indeed, virtually anything can become toxic in large enough doses. It sounds as though your siblings may suffer from scrupulosity -- which the International OCD Foundation defines as a “subtype of OCD in which the person’s obsessions have a religious or moral theme” -or another kind of OCD.

You can express your concern, citing all the troubling behaviors that you mentioned in your letter to me. They’ll likely write you off.

But saying your piece might bring you some measure of peace.

Beyond that, I strongly encourage you to find a support group such as those organized by NAMI (https://www.nami.org/find-support) or Families Anonymous (https://www.familiesanonymous. org). You can find more information about

OCD and relevant resources at https://iocdf.org. While you cannot change their behavior, you can find a way to maintain serenity even in the face of their dysfunction.

Dear Annie: You gave excellent advice to “Desperate Stepdad.” As a 76-year-old alcoholic with 39 years of sobriety, I’ve been around the block a few times regarding this type of situation. The one thing you should have mentioned to him is that until his wife realizes she is an enabler and takes action, the situation with his stepson will never change, no matter how diligent he is with his endeavors. -- AA in NY

Dear AA: I appreciate your sharing the hard-won wisdom. The following reader had some additional tips for “Desperate Stepdad.”

Dear Annie: “Desperate Stepdad” could get some immediate relief in considering these facts:

1) His stepson is in no way capable of a job or selfhelp now. Let that go.

2) His wife likely feels so guilty and so distressed as to lose all logic. She needs love, not anger, nagging or threats.

3) If his wife won’t go to Nar-anon, Stepdad still should. They could arrange an intervention for his wife. Once she sees love and support, and learns what to do, she will likely “join the team” and act effectively to both help her son and restore her marriage. If Stepdad will step up to help save his family, his reward will be great. -- Old Social Worker

Dear Social Worker: I appreciate the expert insights and am glad to print them. Thanks for writing.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.