Get out of an abusive relationship right away

Q I’ve been married for 30 years. When does a person cut bait from an abusive relationship? My partner initially forbade contact with my friends. I thought I could live with it.

Then I was denied contact with my family. I thought I could live with it. Now, I’m being manipulated into eliminating contact with our three children.

My partner monitors any computer use and I have to use passwords on my cellphone.

HELP!

A The answer is NOW, immediately, leave any way you can that assures your safety.

You give no details of your circumstances, whether you stayed for adherence to your marriage vows, responsibility to the children, financial reasons, or fear of retribution. It no longer matters, the emotional abuse and isolation must end.

You don’t say if you’re female or male. Gender doesn’t matter here.

In Canada, spousal and partner abuse is a crime. Emotional abuse can include threats and intimidation, demeaning and degrading verbal/body language, control and isolation, subordination and humiliation.

In the U.S., emotional abuse by a spouse can also fall under criminal and family law.

You’ve put up with this too long. See local police to start a report. Make a private plan to leave (the same way you wrote me privately).

If money’s an issue, seek accommodation at a YWCA, through your church and/or community social services.

Q My husband and I like and respect another couple. We each have two school-age daughters, but theirs are younger and sometimes quite rude.

The parents seem to ignore it. If our girls are ever even mildly rude, we discuss it and explain why it’s wrong.

Recently, one of their daughters spoke harshly to me, ordering me to “hush up.”

Should I say something to her mother? I’m worried that it’ll harm our friendship.

Dislike Rudeness A Liking children matters more than disliking some of their behaviours.

It’s not a contradiction: Since you care about the parents, it’s important that you care about their kids.

If there’s a future similar retort, ask the girl gently, “Is everything OK? Can I help in any way?”

You may learn something significant. If so, offer to help her tell her parents about it, assuring her that they love her and will understand.

Even without any revelation, she’ll likely behave toward you differently. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday