DARNED AND DANGEROUS
Drivers can be irritating — or deadly
I know it’s not very politically correct to judge people these days, but when you’re sharing the road with too many people doing too many things that run the gamut from irritating you to killing you, I think you get to profile them. Grilles gone wild: Stop dressing up your car like a kid in a preschool pageant. When I see reindeer antlers, noses, eyelashes and Christmas wreathes (I saw my first Thanksgiving wreath this year), I sigh inwardly. First, I think your car is embarrassed, and second, junk can fly off and, at best, be litter and, at worst, cause trouble for another driver. Can you really see clearly now: I judge when you have so obscured your view through either windshield, I wonder why we bother having laws. I’m not talking about navigational systems (I’ve seen them suctioned right in a driver’s sight line) but about collections of bobbleheads across a rear dash and dreamcatchers as big as my head swinging from the rear-view mirror. Clear the clutter; it’s a car, not your bedside table. Do you know the muffin man: You know this driver. He or she has cleared out a peephole after last night’s snowfall and is peering out like a groundhog. Atop the car sits a wedge of snow and, if you happen to be behind, you’ll be treated to your own private snowstorm as the driver takes part in that most time-honoured snow clearing method: letting the wind do it. I judge you if you don’t clear the snow from your car — all of it — because it makes you a menace. Beam me up: Or down. Or not at all. You would never drive with your eyes shut, but because too many manufacturers are either unaware of the problem or too lazy to fix it, we have far too many drivers cruising around with only their daytime running lights on.
THE REAR OF YOUR CAR IS BLACK IF YOUR HEADLIGHTS ARE NOT ON OR IN AUTO! We are not encouraged to yell like that. I apologize. The fact your dash is lit up is not proof that your headlights are on; it is only proof that carmakers refuse to make one of the most simple, least costly fixes that could save lives. Your car gives “pit” stop a whole new meaning: If your car is a rolling fast-food bag or gym locker, I judge. I don’t judge you for eating while you drive (though when I recently wrote that I eat apples behind the wheel, I had a reader apoplectic at my admission), or for grabbing your morning coffee. I judge when you can no longer see the floor mats or the whole car smells like a Dumpster. I get that it’s your car and we live in a free country. But having a cabin full of unsecured junk turns everything into a missile in a crash, and while you won’t be impaled by a Whopper wrapper, you just might be hurt by that metal Thermos you keep forgetting to return to your mom. Autofocus is for cameras: Thank you for ditching the phone and yanking out the earbuds. Thank you for understanding that taking your eyes from the road for even a fraction of a second can be deadly. Thank you for noting other clueless drivers glued to their phones, and saving their lives even as they threaten the lives of everyone else. I judge them, but I also judge you for having the smarts to treat driving as a skill. Reading comprehension: What a beautiful thing a full stop is. Too many think “stop” means “stoptional,” and endanger pedestrians — those kids we teach to cross safely, those who might need a little more time — and throw the choreography of a four-way stop totally out of sync. Flip side, I judge the stop sign wavers, those do-gooders who think they’re in line at a buffet and muck with traffic laws, creating more danger than goodwill. The Fear Factor contestant: Those swirling lights and ear-splitting sirens? That big red truck covered in ladders and people who can knock down a fire, revive a heart attack victim or get your kid out of a well faster than Lassie? They get to use the whole road. Right now.
I judge you when you keep driving along or, worse, plant your car in the middle of the road, white knuckled and nervous.
Move! Pull as far to the right as you can and stop or pull into a driveway. Even if they’re coming the other way, they get the whole road. Think it’ll only take them a few extra seconds to find their way around you? Pretend that call came from your house. I depend on the kindness of strangers: Thank you for letting someone merge smoothly. Thank you for waving your thanks if I let you in. Thank you for not parking in fire lanes, “just for a moment.” Thank you for not taking handicapped parking spots. Thank you for being patient with new drivers. Thank you for acknowledging that if we all play well with others, we all get home safe. Driving
Thank you for understanding that taking your eyes from the road for even a fraction of a second can be deadly.