Reuniting? Use your head

Dear Dating Girl: Do you think it is possible to successfully get back together with someone after a breakup?

My ex and I have been broken up for about a month, but we’ve talked on the phone a few times in the last week and it is clear there are still feelings on both of our parts. Is this just selective memory talking, or is it worth giving this thing another shot? Any advice for making it work the second time around?

Second Helping Dear Second: I do think it is possible to reunite, and actually not all that uncommon. I know at least one couple who said that breaking up was the best thing for their relationship because it made them realize they couldn’t live without each other.

Of course, some people get back together only to realize the opposite, and that their desire to get back together was based on some fantasy (that selective memory thing you mention) of what their relationship was.

Before you leap back into each other’s arms, consider a few things: Are you good for each other? That is, is your connection based on mutual respect and consideration as opposed to codependency and an addiction to drama?

Be honest about what’s driving this urge to reunite – your heads or your hearts. Not that you shouldn’t listen to your heart, but sometimes it drowns out your head and you need to tell your heart to put a lid on it for a minute so you can really think.

Is getting back together really about wanting to be a couple or not wanting to be alone? Time apart does sometimes make you realize that thing you found really annoying isn’t such a big deal after all, and you go in with a more tolerant, open attitude.

Bottom line: Be smart. Don’t get back together without putting some thought into it, and if you do get back together, go in with an open heart and a fresh perspective so you can improve on what you had and you won’t wind up right back here again. Dear Dating Girl: After several unsuccessful relationships, I am finally ready to hit the dating market again. I’ve tried online dating before, but for some reason, while I would have a nice online rapport with a guy, when we met for an official “date,” I went into it almost expecting things not to work and couldn’t stop myself from focusing entirely on the negatives of each guy.

I’m ready to give it another try, but I want to adjust my attitude this time. Any suggestions for how I can shut off the negativity and approach my dates with a more positive attitude?

In Need of Adjustment Dear In Need: Instead of going out on your date thinking, “He’s probably a dud and I’m sure we won’t connect,” think instead, “I really hope I like this guy” and then focus on the things you do like about him rather than honing in on minor faults.

If you approach each of your dates as simply an opportunity to get to know someone, you’ll be less likely to spend the entire time comparing the guys to some checklist. And the more fun and positive your experiences with dating become, the easier it will be to go in with a positive attitude.