Know when to move on when seeing early signs

We’d dated a while and the attraction was there, but he seemed distanced and formal whenever we got close to going to bed together.

He used terms like “penetration,” and “vagina,” and my arousal level sank.

I believe he loves manly activities like skiing more than any woman at this time.

Like me, he’s late 40s, divorced and had some relationships, yet he approaches sex as if he’s going to operate. But he’s not a surgeon, just uptight.

For four months, I really liked other things about him - he’s smart, has an interesting job, knows about a lot of different things.

But he shows no passion aside from his winter sport.

Was there something I could’ve said that wouldn’t have been insulting, about how he turned me off?

We only made it to one sleepover in the same bed, and I just left when he hurried to the shower immediately after the act.

Is he a germaphobe or just feels nothing for me?

– Cold Bed-Mate

Some people don’t have a lot of sexual libido, but date because they like the person’s company. Or they lack passion for the opposite sex but won’t say so.

This man wasn’t going to have a romantic relationship at this time for reasons he felt no need to reveal.

You wisely left. Move on.

Early on, my partner shared having clinical depression. I revealed also dealing with low periods (non-clinical).

We attend separate counselling, and being able to talk to a partner about my lows has been very comforting.

Recently, my partner texted me that they’d not be in contact for several days to sort some things out.

I’m glad they can articulate that need.

However, they didn’t say how long there’d be no contact. I’m conflicted because I feel: a power imbalance since I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting.

And I can’t let myself miss them because I don’t know when they’ll decide to start talking again.

It’s only been a short time, but I don’t know how to handle this if it happens again.

How do we strike a balance? Should I just let them do their thing?

Am I being a bad partner and too demanding of someone with mental illness?

– Confused

If they can’t tell you what’s being sorted out, the communication level still needs working on, which is natural at this stage.

Given clinical depression, their need to break away isn’t surprising.

True, not saying when there’ll be contact, is unsettling for you, but this may be a very trying time for your partner.

If you regularly feel a power imbalance, it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

But if this episode is a result of deeper depression, then it’s not about power, it’s about your partner’s pain.

You two need to discuss a more equal and open way of explaining separate needs.

You’ll need more information about what the mental illness entails, what you can expect, and whether that expectation is a healthy one for you, to build a mutually trusting relationship.

Discuss all this with your own counsellor.

TIP OF THE DAY

When a date reveals sexual quirks that turn you off, don’t doubt yourself, move on.