Cutting losses with friends

Q: Two years ago, a group text arrived from my two best friends, writing that their friendship with me was over.

I was being torn apart until one of them figured out that they’d inadvertently shared their text with me. One of them then wrote, “Now you know.” Then silence.

I later called each of them. Neither answered.

I don’t believe in ‘disposable friendships’ after 18 years of being through death of parents, divorce, break-ups, remarriages, career highs and lows, house buying, child rearing, and moments of joy and celebration.

One stayed silent, the other went away for a month for work.

When that friend returned, we met in person over coffee and talked about what happened. She admitted it sounds immature, but she was afraid that I’d abandon her due to my new romantic relationship.

I know that I was being asked to give my patience and unconditional love as the necessary ingredients in friendship, and I did. — Am I a doormat ?

Ellie, I wrote all this two years ago. Two months ago it happened again with these same two friends.

This time I was attacked through text when I asked for their understanding about my changing plans with them, with more than enough notice.

It was about my being unable to visit during a weekend, because I had to take care of some circumstances in my life.

This had nothing to do with my romantic relationship.

Two days after the nasty text, a lengthy and cruel one arrived listing all my faults, saying I was lying, and that whoever I had made plans with must be awfully important.

I again went to the phone to try to make peace, but was rebuffed. I stood up for myself in text this time, saying it was enough, to stop, and that he’d crossed the line.

Heartsick, I walked away from these supposed friends, as I don’t believe anymore that sharing my life with people who attack me out of the blue can be called friendship.

But I do love those friends, and am happy and grateful for the memories we shared. I just wish it could’ve turned out differently. — Not A Doormat

A: He stopped being your friend long ago. He’d become a self-righteous spoiler, ready to cause turmoil, whenever the chance arose.

He wasn’t really her friend, either, because he fed her insecurities and turned her against you.

Memories are worth saving. These once-friends no longer are.