Secret crush, betrayal haunt current relationships

Q: Two years ago, I met a friend who was charming and intense, with offbeat humour. I came to respect and admire him. However, some of his small comments would often throw me, but they were subtle. He became one of my closest friends. I ignored the comments. He soon started dating my longtime girlfriend, and then broke up with her months ago, though they’d recently talked about getting engaged. He and I graduated from the same university, and he wrote in my yearbook that he’d never had the courage to tell me he loved me. I soon realized with growing panic how much I cared about him, but I had to stop trusting him because of this, and his hurting my girlfriend. I’ve started dating someone I can see myself being with long term. I’ve attempted to subtly cut off my friendship with that guy and have been honest with my boyfriend about him. Yet I sometimes miss him. I’ve tried to forget how mad I am at him for lying to my best girlfriend and me. Then I remember how he broke her heart. How do I stop myself from putting up a wall of mistrust between my boyfriend and me, worrying that he’ll be just like that once-close male friend?

— Fed up in L.A.

A: This worry is unnecessary added drama if your boyfriend has given you no sign of duplicity or double-dealing. You’re over-thinking. Focus on who your boyfriend is and what he does, not what you imagine. Unless you have strong instincts that something’s false ... then, say so.

Q: My husband was faithful as far as I know for our first nine years together; then I started getting suspicious, there was less sex and he was “working” late. I found out through snooping that there were two women in his company ... They were younger than me. One was living with a man, the other was single — but both had no problem sleeping with a married man. Their attitude was that it was open season on any man out there. Our marriage had been fine, normal ups and downs, but he’s lost that commitment. He won’t change jobs, though he says he’s dropped those women. But I believe there’ll be others.

— Betrayed

A: The fact that he won’t change jobs, when he knows this must keep you suspicious, offers little hope for your relationship to improve after these blatant affairs. See a lawyer so you at least know your rights and can tell him what he stands to lose.