Getting into Aeroplane Mode

From runaway trains to running late for work… Nury Vittachi has a simple solution for nearly all of life’s little inconveniences

WHY CAN’T THOSE genetic engineering people do USEFUL things like give kids “aeroplane mode” buttons on their foreheads? “Vibrate only” during scheduled hours would also be helpful. And if my wife is not reading this, can you kindly make a “Skip to the end and agree” button appear somewhere whenever she starts on a long speech? Thank you.

I was thinking about air travel and technology after being told a recent true story about a pilot who was hand-cranking the propeller of his plane only to see the engine fire up and the empty aircraft take off

without him. Nobody was hurt when the plane landed some hours later, probably because this happened in Canada, a country roughly the size of Jupiter, but with only about 100 inhabitants, mostly centenarian moose-herders.

Incidentally, the diametric opposite of Canada is Macau, which is so small and crowded that if you throw a glass of water out the window, 65 people will complain that their clothes got wet. And you don’t need to use the ground floor lobby of central Macau hotels, you just crowd-surf through your guestroom window.

The report about the pilotless plane popped up in a conversation at an airport, but was topped by a 2013 tale of a Sri Lankan ghost train that travelled some 12 kilometres with no driver. That story was aced by the infamous tale of a mysterious train that went on a 45-kilometre journey from Bogor to Jakarta, Indonesia, many years earlier, with the empty drivers’ cabin locked from the inside. I remember railway officials scoffing at the theory that a ghost had commandeered the train, preferring the more scientific line that a Hindu god had temporarily materialised in the cabin.

A frequent flyer in our group then told us about a Soviet fighter pilot in 1989 who thought his engine didn’t sound right so he used his ejector seat to leave. The plane flew on for about 700km, crossing East Germany and then West Germany, separate states at the time. Air traffic controllers were asked to work out where it would land so that the place could be evacuated. They answered “Belgium”. It’s hard to evacuate a whole country – unless it’s Canada, in which case you can just put the entire population into a bus and send them along to a remote bar to spend the evening drinking Molson beer.

Despite these examples, I believe that travellers need not fear pilotless planes. A pilot once told me that big passenger planes have so much technology now they can land themselves. I believe it. I bought a car recently and it’s so hi-tech that the only people who can drive it are my children.

The truth is, technology is often poorly thought through. Take digital clocks. How am I supposed to stop pressing the snooze button if it doesn’t give me an electric shock? Oh well; next time I’m late for work I’ll blind my boss with technology: “Sorry I’m late; my head was in aeroplane mode.”

A pilot once told me that big passenger planes can now land themselves. I believe it

Nury Vittachi is a Hong Kong-based author. Read his blog at Mrjam.org