Chris Kirkland’s mental battle
Years after helping Liverpool secure Champions League glory, the ex-england keeper was contemplating suicide
You’ve co-founded Yapa, an app assisting people suffering with mental health issues. After having difficulties yourself, how keen are you to help others? Many footballers have come out and spoken about it now, which is great. We’re in a very high-profile position where we can talk and help a lot of people – not just footballers, but society in general. It helps me as well in my ongoing recovery. Social media these days is about how many ‘likes’ you can get. On Yapa there’s no likes, no photos, no trolls, and it’s free. It’s just about communication. How hard was the decision to speak about the depression you faced? Until I was ready, it was the last thing I could have thought about doing. Then it got to the point where I just wanted to get it out there. It’s a huge weight off the shoulders. The only thing I was worried about was my daughter at school, as kids can be very cruel. We spoke about it openly and she said, “You have to do it.” My mind was made up after hearing that. How did your issues manifest themselves? It started in 2012 after leaving Wigan. When I played for Liverpool and Wigan, I lived in the same area, in the house I still live in now. But I joined Sheffield Wednesday and my routine changed. I had to leave early in the morning to miss the Manchester traffic, I was missing my daughter doing stuff at school, and I just didn’t like it. I wasn’t happy. Wednesday were superb, though. They didn’t know the extent
of it, but they knew there was a problem and gave me some days off when they could see I wasn’t myself. Things started to gradually deteriorate, however. In 2012, a Leeds fan invaded the pitch at Hillsborough and hit you – did it affect you? That was nothing to do with my thinking, but it didn’t help. It was just a shock, and I didn’t really know what had happened. It shouldn’t happen on a football pitch, and a local derby like that should never have been on a Friday night. My family, and obviously my daughter, saw it, which wasn’t nice for her. What happened when you left Wednesday? I’d gone up to their offices to sign a new deal on the first day of pre-season. I was wearing my training kit, but driving over there, I knew I wouldn’t sign. I still turned up, did all of the tests you do and got ready to sign, but then said, “I need to be nearer home.” It was hard, because it was a great club, but I had to do it. You had a year at Preston, then signed for Bury. Did being back closer to home help? I thought it would, but it didn’t. By then I was too far into it, and nothing helped. Bury had a training camp in Portugal and I didn’t want to be out there. I’ve always been a home bird. That was when I knew I needed to get home, or else I wouldn’t be here any more. Was it as dark as that, considering suicide? Yes. But as soon as that pops into your head, you think about your daughter and your wife. I flew home the next day – the squad were still out there but the manager, Dave Flitcroft, knew there were issues and said, “Take a few weeks with the family.” After that, I returned to training as I wanted to give it another go, but on the second day I wasn’t diving. I just wasn’t interested. I told Dave I wanted to rip up my contract. He was very understanding. Did it help when you stopped playing? To start with, it did. I called the PFA and went to see a counsellor several times. Not having the pressure of playing helped, but you start to miss things – the dressing room more than anything – and there’s a big void to fill. From 16 to 35, 19 years, that was all I knew. I was in counselling a lot in the first year, but then I stopped. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I felt like I could be slipping back into it – withdrawing and not wanting to do anything – so I went to a rehabilitation centre. How was that experience? Huge. They got to the bottom of it and I wish I’d done it in 2016. They help you rationalise things. They strip you down and build you up again. You talk about issues and what’s gone on in your life, as everyone has problems. It’s a difficult transition when you leave football. How do you assess your career as a whole? You achieved things, but did injuries stop you getting as far as you would have liked? Injuries were the main thing, particularly at Liverpool. I was a Reds fan and saw my first game on the Kop when I was seven years old. Playing for them will always be the highlight, but it was tough being injured. After that, my fitness record during the last 10 years of my career was as good as anybody’s. When you suffer serious injuries, you recover but aren’t quite as good as before. You started the famous Olympiakos game in Liverpool’s run to the 2005 Champions League Final. How special was that night? Stevie Gerrard popped up to score in the 86th minute and it was one of the best nights ever. Being a Liverpool fan as well, it was a dream. I really should have saved Rivaldo’s free-kick, and he had another five minutes later in the same spot. I thought, ‘Sugar’ but I managed to keep that one out. Would you have played in Istanbul if fit? I’d played in four group matches, so yes if I’d kept my form up. I think I’d have had a good chance, but it just wasn’t to be. Scott Carson did offer me his winner’s medal. He’s a good friend. But if you’re not involved in the final, you don’t really feel a part of it, even though you’re there with the team. Is it true you even missed the bus parade? I was out in Istanbul with my wife, and there were two planes because so many wives and families travelled. Everyone who played went on the first plane. The other got delayed, and by the time we arrived the coach had left. So yeah, I missed the parade, which wasn’t nice. What was it like playing for England? There had been so much talk about your dad and his pals betting on it happening at 100/1... I was glad when it was out of the way, to be honest. It had been talked about for a while, as I’d been in squads and had to pull out for various reasons. Then it finally happened, and funded Christmas for a few people who had families and kids, so that was nice. My dad put the bet on when I was 14. If I’d gone into the bookies with him, I think he’d have got 1,000,000/1 because I wasn’t in the best shape back then. He always had faith in me. What other things are you doing now? I’ve got a goalkeeper academy and do work for Liverpool TV. The club are great with me – John Achterberg, their goalkeeping coach, invites me down to watch training. I’ve had chances to go back into football full-time but I’m not ready for that yet. My daughter is in Liverpool’s academy, so I want to watch her on Saturdays. It’s family time for a couple of years, then I’ll see where we are after that.