Thirsty Suitors
I’ve fallen head over heels.
You’re Jala, fresh from a nasty breakup and heading back to the hometown she abandoned several years ago. It’s a narrative-heavy RPG, with a whole conga line of bitter exes waiting to face you. You’re barely back in town before one forces you into a turn-based battle. Try not to get distracted by his abs.
You have a basic attack that costs nothing, a series of skills and summons that cost MP, and several taunts that open weak points. We’ve seen taunts like ‘rage’ in tons of games, but how about ones that leave the enemy emotionally devastated? It’s hard not to giggle when the heartbreak taunt makes your ex burst melodramatically into tears.
Fights are constantly interrupted with verbal confrontations, as your ex calls out your past appalling behaviour, and you choose how to respond. Exchanges can get delightfully catty, but there’s plenty of heart in the excellent script too.
Every ex encounter is brilliant. One is too timid to confront you directly, so his pet cat becomes a ferocious lion happy to strike you. Diya “exudes punk rock domme energy” and fights with a trio of crystalline backup dancers. Each battle concludes with you making up and deciding what your relationship will be going forward.
There’s some simple cooking minigames, made more entertaining because you’re cooking under the critical eye of Jala’s mother. There’s skateboarding, by the way – is perfectly solid arcadey fun. It’s a neat way to get around town and there’s even a skate park with a list of challenges.
It’s all the little touches like that which make Thirsty Suitors special. Tutorial hints are given to you by your Uncle Hinti, a pun so horrible I want to applaud. Every night ends with you falling asleep on the sofa with your dad watching TV, and then he gently piggybacks you up to your bedroom. Jala may have been dreading returning to her hometown but I’m glad she made the trip. She’s ended up starring in one of my favourite games of the year.