HOW TO LIMIT YOUR PEOPLE PLEASING BEHAVIOUR

1. Find your value internally, rather than in others’ opinions

Explore where your sense of self-worth comes from. Research suggests we benefit from finding value internally, through identifying goals and values to live by, rather than seeking external approval or achievement. Maybe you pride yourself on how patient you can be with others, or value your pursuit of knowledge.

2. Practise better awareness of your thoughts

Becoming more mindful of your thoughts will help in several ways. According to Prof Toru Sato, a psychologist at Shippensburg University, mindfulness can help stop people pleasers from automatically saying ‘yes’ when they really want to say ‘no’, by allowing their real feelings to surface and balance the need to please.

This awareness can also help boost your self-worth: once you’ve identified things that make you feel good about yourself, you can try daily self-affirmations. This involves internally highlighting any acts that align with these values.

3. Break the habit of saying ‘yes’

It can be difficult to stop yourself from people pleasing if it’s become habitual. Instead, we can use lessons from the psychology of decision-making to break a habit and replace it with a new one.

First, identify the trigger of the habit. Is it an environment, like in the workplace? Or is the trigger a particular person? Then, plan in detail how you want to respond to that trigger. The more specific, the better – come up with a list of phrases that you can use to politely but firmly turn people down.

4. Be open to conversation

As Dr Mariko Visserman, a social psychologist at the University of Sussex, explains, our perception of sacrifice depends on how the recipient reacts. If you feel that the most painful part of your people pleasing is a lack of appreciation, you could invite your partner or friend to discuss how future conflicts might be settled in a way that makes both perspectives feel valued.