Round up the wildlife and ban golf: let Scottish Greens give us the dystopia we need
TEN days out from the Scottish election, the Scottish Greens are eagerly scanning our cultural landscape for more activities to ban. It’s all for our own good, of course and we should be grateful to the Greens for exercising such a keen duty of care for wur pure mental health and physical wellbeing.
Thus far, the Bearsden Bolshevists have already managed to get greyhound racing banned, and even though there are no working dog tracks in Scotland, as always with this party, it’s the thought that counts. And if you’re even thinking about irresponsible behaviour then you must be made to think again.
Last week, they signalled their intention to ban horse-racing too. And when their UK leader, Zach Polanski visited Scotland he suggested removing Donald Trump from ownership of his Scottish golf courses because he’d started “illegal and unpopular wars” and called for these resorts to come under public ownership. Now, I’m no fan of Scotland’s private golf courses and the dreadful food-stained blazer class that belongs to them. It’s just that, if Mr Polanski were to apply this reasoning across the UK then thousands of golf courses would be run by local authorities whose governing parties were responsible for illegal wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Ireland and the Falkland Islands.
The Trump International group which runs the American President’s Scottish golf interests responded rather cruelly to Mr Polanski’s threat. They called the man who once claimed to a BBC news reporter he could enlarge her breasts by hypnosis, an “imbecile”.
Nevertheless, I feel sure that were the Scottish Greens ever to win outright power north of the Border, Scotland could become the world’s first officially recognised dystopian wilderness. It’s plain to see that the world has gone down the pan in recent years and that an excess of cavalier behaviour by the ignorant, foul-mouthed, transphobic, horse-racing, dog-baiting, golf-playing masses is to blame.
I feel then that the Scottish Greens should give us an authentically radical manifesto conveying their world-view. They should be man, woman and gender non-conforming enough to own it. The punters have had it too good for too long and have begun to get complacent and licentious. And the Scottish Greens are the very chaps to turn it down a notch or two.
I’d be starting with the irresponsible behaviour of our wild animals. For years, we’ve indulged their amoral excesses by choosing them to spearhead Scotland’s tourism drive. But what does it say to the world about what Scotland holds dear?
All that bloody slaughtering of smaller animals by larger beasties sets a bad example to little children walking in our woodlands. I’d propose community birdcatchers and badger-baiting to round up the delinquent carnivores and have them placed in engagement farms where they can have their cellular structures re-calibrated so that, over time, they become vegan... or at least vegetarian. Alongside this, all David Attenborough’s wildlife television programmes will be rated as adult material and come with parental warnings.
Farmers would be given large financial inducements to wean them off cows, sheep and pigs and to re-divert them towards vegetables and gluten-free, artisan produce.
There would be a concupiscence register, to be known informally as the houghmagandie index. This would target people in working-class neighbourhoods who, as everyone knows, are most likely to be bigoted and hateful in speech and action. Thus, couples would be fitted with electronic tags to limit their bedroom activity and so reduce the chances of them bearing more children who have their parents’ problematic attitudes.
Scotland, of course is a country rich in mountains, hills and glens and where there be mountains, hills and glens there be caves. Lots of them. To solve our housing emergency, Scotland’s old and neglected cave-dwellings should be given a new lease of life and retro-fitted to house colonies of people who’d be given grants to live off the grid without burning your fossil fuels.
Numerous Holyrood delegations would be sent to Papua New Guinea, the Galapagos and other back-to-nature paradises to learn about best practice in living off the land; community fellowship and making your own sustainable habillements and haberdashery from
plants and other bio-degradable materials.
I’d also consider regulating competitive schools football. All games should finish even-stevens so that precocious young players can develop their skills without suffering trauma and depression worrying about the result. It means we’d have a more skilful – and more empathetic – national team.
I’d also think about reviving National Service, but with an inclusive, progressive and progressively inclusive twist. Instead of two years learning to bear arms and kill people, everyone from 16-18 would learn about gender versatility. Old Danny La Rue videos and Ann Summers catalogues would be distributed free of charge to show the lads how ordinary, everyday ladies cut about. And of course, any young blokes harbouring anxiety about generously-proportioned women can download Zack Polanski’s free video on how to use hypnotism to reduce the threat posed by challenging décolletages.
Inspired by their political partners in the SNP, the Scottish Greens’ should be seeking to phase out harmful educational stereotypes such as reading and writing which have been chiefly responsible for the tyranny of outdated and harmful social norms. I’d be making diplomatic overtures to the Taliban, who possess
proven expertise in taking reading and writing off the school curriculum.
History lessons would be closely monitored and be restricted to events occurring after the New Year Zero: somewhere between 2007 and 2011. And by the way: yon Taliban might also assist in helping Scotland develop a new rural economy driven by their knowledge in the poppy sector. This would help ease demand when it comes to implementing their drug-legalisation policy.
In the same way that the Brits banned rebel sports in Ireland such as Gaelic football and hurling, we would severely restrict golf courses. Anti-golf SWAT teams would be empowered to swoop on large expanses of land showing signs of suspicious manicuring on Google Maps. Suspect clothing combinations like comfortable sweaters, dodgy trouser-ware and refulgent white shoes could see the wearers issued with spot fines.
Aircraft travel should be phased out gradually and a nationwide boat-building project be formally initiated, providing training and employment in Scotland’s old artisan skills. Why take your friends and family over to mainland Europe on filthy aircraft fuel when you can all row together on your very own, home-made Viking longboat?