‘I NEEDED SPACE’

An edited extract from Alex’s new book So, after another sleepless night of excruciating feeding, Mum suggested that I went off to have a shower while she held the fort. It was the best thing she could have said. I felt broken and exhausted and I needed some space just for me. I handed Teddy to Mum and locked the door of the bathroom. The relief at being alone and free from a demanding newborn just for ten minutes was heaven. I ran the shower, the noise drowning out Teddy’s cries, and slumped down behind the door, lacking the energy to even pull off my pyjamas. That was the first time I gave in to the emotional rollercoaster that had been the last week and let fat, salty tears roll down my cheeks. I felt overwhelmed, out of my depth and scared that this little human was going to be reliant on me for the rest of my, and his, life. There was no going back to my old life; this was it until he was 18 at best, and I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

It’s hard to relive those memories now, and I can’t believe how long ago it feels, but if I close my eyes I can vividly recall the feelings of despair and fear. At its worst, the self-doubt that consumed me lasted maybe three or four days, but as a 39-year-old woman who was used to being in control and on top of things, this was alien. How could I be successful in many areas of my life yet be crap at the one thing that mattered the most? I couldn’t even talk about it. I normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but I couldn’t vocalise how disappointed I was at the way the first days of motherhood were panning out. I assumed that these feelings would plague younger, less experienced girls, but making that generalisation was stupid and naive of me. Just because I had more miles on the clock didn’t automatically mean that I would be a capable parent. That is the thing with becoming a mother: whether you are still a teenager, a career woman in her 40s or the Duchess of Cambridge, it’s a leveller.

Winging It! Parenting in the Middle of Life! by Alex Jones will be published by Lagom on 5 April, price £14.99*